


Cannibal Queen

by one_more_offbeat_anthem



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (fyi the characters aren't slaughtering the cattle), (how's that for a tag?), Blood, Blow Jobs, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Cattle Slaughter, Creature Castiel (Supernatural), Creature Dean Winchester, First Kiss, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mild Gore, Oral Sex, Porn With Plot, Shower Sex, Vampires, Virgin Castiel (Supernatural), Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:27:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27220447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_more_offbeat_anthem/pseuds/one_more_offbeat_anthem
Summary: What's a zombie to do when he finds out his (pretty hot) roommate and best friend is a vampire? In the case of Dean Winchester, the plan is to convince said vampire that they should team up and heist slaughterhouses. But when a run goes wrong, there are some unexpected consequences...
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	Cannibal Queen

**Author's Note:**

> what was meant to be a quick silly fic for halloween about monster roommates grew legs and turned into smut. this was my first time writing real-deal smut, so I hope it's alright! as i post this, i am actually giggling hysterically--this is VERY different from my usual fluffy fare, but.......happy halloween???
> 
> props to [lovemuppet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemuppet/pseuds/lovemuppet) ([haybibi-qq](https://haybibi-qq.tumblr.com) on tumblr) for beta-ing this bad boy and reassuring me that it was good xP 
> 
> double props to my profound bond server pals for helping me figure out what monsters the boys should be and encouraging me to write this xP if you're 18+, [join us!](https://discord.gg/profoundbond) we're good fun :)

It had all started when Cas had tried to use Dean’s packet of “ground beef” to make stir fry. For starters, vegetables (a key component of stir fry) are fucking disgusting, and it also wasn’t exactly….ground beef.

(It was brains.)

Cas wasn’t aware that Dean was a zombie, and Dean had plans to keep it that way. But he was annoyed, so he decided he would steal some of Cas’s tomato juice, because Cas was weird and way too territorial about it. 

(At the time, Dean wasn’t aware that Cas, longtime hot roommate and best friend {read: only person who would tolerate Dean for extended periods of time}, was a vampire. It just hadn’t come up.)

It  _ did  _ come up, however, when, about five minutes later, Cas walked into their kitchen, saw Dean about to drink a glass of “tomato juice,” and slapped it out of his hand, spilling what was  _ actually  _ blood all down Dean’s shirt.

“So,” Dean said, after changing shirts and tossing his blood-covered one in a bowl of water and vinegar Cas had quickly and apologetically prepared, “You’re a vampire.”

“You don’t seem mad,” Cas noted, “Normally people are pretty upset to find out something like that.”

Dean sighed, heading to the fridge to pull out his pack of brain meat, saying, “This is brain meat.”

“So you’re a….zombie?” Cas raised an eyebrow, “Why haven’t you eaten me?” 

“Cuz you’d have to have brains for me to do that.”

\---------------------------------------------

It had taken some convincing to get Cas to agree to the plan. 

“This is more efficient,” Dean pointed out, “It’s not like they use the blood or the brains, anyways.”

“I still think breaking into a cattle slaughterhouse is a terrible idea.” Cas sat at his laptop on the bar, supposedly filing taxes or something else semi-productive.

“Would you rather we break into, say, the intensive care unit of the hospital?”

“ _ Dean.”  _ Cas pushed away from his computer, “I am  _ not  _ going to kill people!”

“Then already-dead cow bits it is.” Dean knew his tone was smug. 

Cas was going to refuse to admit anything. His roommate was a stubborn sonofabitch. 

\---------------------------------------------

The actual robbing of a slaughterhouse was shockingly easy. (Maybe too easy. Cas spent the whole ride back to their apartment prattling on about safety concerns and regulations. Dean was more worried about blood getting on his precious Impala’s seats.)

If Dean thought Cas could bitch normally, he was even worse when they were excavating the brains from a cow head.

“Stop complaining about the bodily fluids,” Dean said, waving a knife at Cas. 

“Just because I drink blood doesn’t mean I want it all over my hands.”

“You’re a fucking  _ vampire _ .”

“Not exactly a fucking vampire,” Cas muttered, wiping his hands on a towel.

“You?” Dean said, surprised, “A virgin?”

“When you’re basically immortal, forming relationships isn’t exactly easy,” Cas said drily, taking the pitcher of extracted blood and putting it in the fridge, “Don’t drink that.”

“Don’t eat my brains and we won’t have a problem.”

\---------------------------------------------

The discovery that his hot, vampiric roommate was a virgin niggled at the back of Dean’s mind for weeks. They went on another slaughterhouse run, and Cas only bitched slightly less than on the first one.

Dean had always tried to keep his Cas-themed fantasies to a minimum when he thought Cas was human, but now that he knew they were different brands of undead, he couldn’t  _ stop  _ thinking about it. 

Cas wasn’t very helpful—he had always had an annoying habit of walking around the apartment half-dressed, especially in the morning, when he was only kind of awake. 

“Shouldn’t vampires be, I dunno, paler?” Dean asked, doing his best to ignore the vast expanse of Cas’s toned, tanned chest while Cas poured himself some coffee.

“Shockingly, I look how I did when I was turned,” Cas said.

“How old were you?” 

“Twenty-four. I’ve been twenty-four for….” Cas took a long drink of his (black with honey, what a weirdo), “About a hundred years.”

Dean let out a laugh, “Damn. I’ve only been like this for five years. There are worse things to be, though, than eternally twenty-seven.”

“If you ask me how I got turned,” Cas said, “I will kill you and drink your blood.”

“Kinky.”

“Fuck off.” 

(Cas was  _ not  _ a morning person.)

\---------------------------------------------

“Have you ever been kissed?”

Cas paused the episode of  _ Survivor  _ they were on (it was a total hate-watch for both of them) and glared at Dean, “What kind of question is that?”

“I’m just curious.” Dean tried to look innocent.

“What if I asked you questions like this?” Cas frowned, “How would you feel?”

“I’d be annoyed.”

“Well, color me annoyed, then.” Cas unpaused the episode.

\---------------------------------------------

Slaughterhouse run number three was a fiasco, the sort with a messy, bloody, Cas stomping to the shower, stripping off his now blood-stained white dress shirt and yelling at Dean as he went.

Dean tossed his (also covered in blood) flannel and band tee on the kitchen floor before following Cas into the bathroom, shouting back. 

“If you hadn’t screwed up the timing, we would have had time to properly get away!” Cas said, turning on the water. 

“And if you hadn’t gotten spooked out, the timing would have been  _ fine _ , but—“

Cas cut him off, “Are you going to leave the goddamn bathroom so I can shower?” 

Dean glanced up and down, taking him in, “No. I don’t think I will.” 

“You bastard.” Angry Cas (especially angry Cas covered in blood) was  _ hot _ , and it got hotter when he grabbed Dean roughly by his shoulders and pressed their lips together. For a century-old virgin, Cas was  _ good _ . He pushed open Dean’s mouth with his own, working Dean’s jaw, his mouth already open and wet. Dean felt a jolt of heat in his groin as Cas’s hands traversed his bare back.

“I’ve got a better idea,” Dean said, nearly into Cas’s mouth, “Why don’t we get that shower  _ together _ ?”

When they finally stumbled in after clumsily ditching their pants (Dean knew, in the back of his mind, he was going to regret not immediately cleaning the blood out, but that somehow didn’t matter too much), the shower was filled with steam, and Cas instantly started to lower his hands, pressing them down Dean’s chest.

“Woah there, cowboy,” Dean pulled away, “It’s your first time. You should have all the fun.”

“Don’t bring your westerns into this,” Cas replied, his already gravely voice somehow even lower than usual. His fangs had popped at some point, and they curled out of his mouth, long and sharp and dangerous. 

Dean ignored the jab in favor of moving his mouth to Cas’s neck and then trailing biting kisses down his torso. There was still blood that had seeped through his button-down, and while blood wasn’t Dean’s favorite, he could drink it. He licked the stripe of blood down the middle of Cas’s chest upwards, meeting Cas’s mouth again, the tang metallic. Before the kiss could get too involved, though, Dean went back down, this time fitting his mouth around Cas’s erect cock and dropping to his knees. He could feel the vampire’s thighs tremble as he swirled his tongue around.

“God, Dean,” Cas said, his voice throaty, “ _ God.  _ Can you—“ 

Dean withdrew, looking up at Cas with a shit-eating grin, “Can I what?”

“Do that again.”

“What, this?” Dean sunk down on his cock again until it hit the back of his throat.

It took Cas a little bit to come, but when he did, the ragged, cut-off, labored sounds he made were completely worth the effort. He sunk down to the floor of the shower, his face red and pupils blown wide. 

Dean was still on his knees, and he let Cas pull him down by his arms until they were both on the floor of the shower, mouth-to-mouth. 

“Can I?” Cas asked, his voice possessing a slight nervous edge.

“Go ahead.” 

Cas kept his mouth on Dean’s the whole time he jacked him, gently twisting his grip as he went. Dean let himself moan into Cas’s mouth, and eventually came against his hand and stomach. They slumped bonelessly together, and finally Cas spoke into Dean’s shoulder. 

“That wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Dean pulled away so Cas could see his face and raised an eyebrow, “Do you regret it?”

Cas considered for a moment, and then shook his head, before muttering, “You’re still an asshole, though.” 

\---------------------------------------------

“Okay," Dean said, “What else could you put blood in? I mean, you’ve disguised it as tomato juice, could you make spaghetti sauce? Soup? What else are tomatoes in….ketchup?” He was flipping his brain-burgers on the stove (Cas had designated that he was only allowed to use a certain pan for that). 

Cas looked disgusted, “I am  _ not  _ eating blood-ketchup.”

“You’re drinking blood, right now,” Dean pointed out, “And you just made out with someone who eats brains.” 

Cas glared at him, “You keep that up, I won’t make out with the person who eats brains again.” 

“But if you don’t make out with me again…” Dean started.

“Fine.” 

\---------------------------------------------

As good as angry sex was, Cas was a little bitch later, when the blood stains in their clothes might be permanent, so Dean started trying to find other ways to “get it on,” as it were. Cas was easily distracted by a mouth on his dick, and Dean wasn’t above letting someone (read: Cas specifically) fuck his face. 

“If only you had told me you were a vampire sooner,” Dean said into Cas’s hair after they had fucked on the kitchen counter one afternoon, “We could have had way more fun.”

“Well, now we can do this forever,” Cas replied, “We don’t age.”

“That’s true.” Dean finally pulled himself away, “I think I’m gonna make some cookies. You want some? No brains or blood.”

“Chocolate chips?” Cas said hopefully.

“Of course. But first, c’mere.”

(For a century-old recently-virgin vampire, Cas learned fast. And the cookies maybe took a while to make as a result. But they had infinity to get this right.)

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked this, you can find me on [my tumblr](https://one-more-offbeat-anthem.tumblr.com) :)
> 
> title/inspiration garnered from the miniature tigers song "cannibal queen" 
> 
> _This is not a test or an SOS  
>  I'm no longer on a quest to get girls undressed  
> I search through their hearts and no treasure found  
> I'm so lucky this one lets dogs hang around  
> It's good having somebody good for a change  
> I thought that no good dirty cheats had drove me insane  
> I had finally given up on love and romance  
> If I laid down the sword, I'm giving my innocence  
> Comin' for your heart like a cannibal  
> Oh, she lets me right in and I fed 'til I'm full  
> If something goes wrong, I'm accountable  
> Oh, a life without her is no life at all  
> I la la la la la la la la love you, cannibal queen _


End file.
